Hello, at this time I have been emotionally disassembled beyond recognition. I have felt so much visceral emotion in the past months, the breaking point has been reached, I have shut down. This is a fate that I had sewn of my own volition, be it not fully aware of the severity of mental anguish this path would demand of me. Where once a faint spark of a re-emerging light held its salvation behind my eye, it has once more extinguished leaving behind a hollow abyss of endless distance. I have thought about killing myself today, as I have done expressively since I was old enough to know of death (near the age of five). At least this is what my mother tells me. Even with my non-experience and small sampling of the taste of life, I understood pain to be abundant in this world, and had little hope for my ability to endure the weather it brought along with it. I would often run off and hide within my thoughts, finding salvation in the sweet and unavoidable forgiveness that would come with deaths release, this is a habit I would never shake, it is my best friend and my dearest enemy. I must note that this is realistically not an action I could ever take, I understand that there are people in this world who care of me greatly, and I must not pass my pains onto them in selfish cowardice, no matter how it calls to me. For long I had drifted through life with a vacancy behind my eyes which I would only recognize in my reflection, never on the face of another. When you look into somebodies eyes, I feel you can see the life they carry, the spark or flame that glows within them, this assures me they are real. It was not until I found something I cared enough for, to hold it closely and share with it some part of me, that I began to feel my own spark glow dimly in a place that had never known light. I understand now that the day had passed where the unfamiliar glow brought to me such great fear, that I would put it out myself before anybody else would ever have the chance to. This is my undoing, I have chosen to condemn myself to this emptiness that has always gripped me so tightly. The decision that has put me here will haunt me relentlessly, I will always Love you more than I was ever strong enough to say or show.
Where I go from here. I have to improve myself, I have to direct my attention and efforts into some things, very deliberate and targeted things that might allow me to feel something… comforting. If I can not end myself, I will shape myself, into something that I might hopefully one day be proud of. I may not allow another day to pass where time is wasted, and effort without direction dissipates into nothing. While I am trapped in this time, I will use it, I will become something that the childish apparition standing behind me would be proud of. As of now, my attention will be focused on improving my fitness, I wish to inspire with a view of my physique, the hard work written in fine lettering on the striations of my body. I am far from this currently but I will add pictures below and periodically provide visual update. I will also be studying aggressively to penetrate into a career field that I will feel more successful stepping into. I will do more reading to expand my knowledge and wisdom, beginning with a complete reading of “Thus spoke Zarathustra” that I began 2 years ago and never finished. Finally I will openly explore my mind and thoughts in this location.
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